Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
