I just saw a hot homeless man
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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