This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
