you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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