please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
