just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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