I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
