I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
