Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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