You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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