Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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