im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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