Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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