Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
