I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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