I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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