I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
vagina is talking i cant
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
