I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
