i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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