Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
