Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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