I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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