If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
