i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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