Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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