THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize