Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
