I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She just used a chaser for red wine.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
