she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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