I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
