apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
