you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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