I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
