worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
