i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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