You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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