i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
