she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
