she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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