How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
