I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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