Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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