They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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