i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
