I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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