i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
