I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All the doctor said was why
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
