Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
