You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How does one acquire holy water?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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