My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
