so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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