Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
