omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like death gave me a hand job
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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