Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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