I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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