too bad you live with your parents still
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize