Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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