Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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