booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
