How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
