My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
