I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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