when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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