i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
