Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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