hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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