she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
