I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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