i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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