The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize